By Anne Kruk, All Day
Primary Teacher
There is something sacred about the innocence of young
children, and as parents and teachers, we naturally want to protect that
innocence. Yet our world is full of
difficult topics, shocking news, and tragic events. When those weighty things intersect with our
children’s lives, what do our children need from us to cope?
This election cycle has left some feeling unsure how (or
whether) to discuss the news with their children. Race has also been on my mind, since we began
formal community discussions about race last June, continuing last week at our
Parent Education night, with the help of anti-bias educator Jen Cort. As a result, I have spent a great deal of
time the last few weeks thinking about how to talk about difficult subjects
with young children in general.
Naturally there are specific considerations for specific
topics, but below is a brief primer on discussing “adult” topics with children,
drawn primarily from resources by the American Psychological Association.
Be prepared
Major news events are unlikely to fully escape the attention
of even young children. And some
children have older siblings, or are friends with children who have older
siblings, so they may hear things even though you are not talking about those
topics in front of them. Children gather information like a sponge, soaking up
conversation, emotions, and news from the world around them, even if they do
not seem to be listening at the time.
Maria Montessori called this capacity the “absorbent mind,” and while
amazing, it is also indiscriminate, letting children pick up things we may have
no idea they had been exposed to at all.
Your children are probably far more aware of news and political events
than you might expect, so consider ahead of time what you want to tell them if they
begin to ask about topics like the election or frightening news items. In our
parent forum on Anti-Bias, Jen Cort said, “In the absence of information,
children will fill in their own gaps,” so it’s important that they are talking
to parents/teachers to make sure they have accurate information.
Be calm
Children look to adults to see how to deal with frightening
things and big emotions. Your calm,
approachable demeanor will model for them an ability to deal with problems
head-on, as well as encourage them to come to you.
Listen
If your child asks you about something difficult, find out
how much they already know before launching into a further explanation. For example, you can use phrases like “You’ve
probably heard about [current event].
What do you know about that?” or “How do you feel about [the frightening
thing] that you heard about? Do you have
any questions?”
Temper your response
Provide just the information they request. Jen Cort
suggested a “one question, one sentence” approach, that is, offer a one
sentence reply and pause to see if the child has additional questions rather
than assuming they want to or are ready to hear everything we know.
Whatever the question, be brief, factual, honest,
age-appropriate and non-graphic.
Clarify
Your child’s experience of the world is much narrower than
your own, and they may be confused about details that are self-evident to
adults. Be ready to field questions that
might seem odd or obvious. I vividly
recall watching the television with my grandmother as news of the Oklahoma City
bombing broke in 1995. With my very
rudimentary grasp of geography, I was confused about where this event was
happening, and needed reassurance that this was a different office building
than the ones my parents worked in (in New York state).
You don’t need to
have all the answers
If you don’t know the answer to a question, then be honest
with your child and tell them so. “I
don’t know [why this bad thing happened].
If I find out, I’ll tell you.”
Reassure: first,
last, always
Check how your child is feeling, and if events or news items
are making them feel anxious, reassure them.
Use phrases that remind them that you are in charge, and relieve them of
the responsibility of worrying (i.e. It’s okay.
I love you and I’ll always keep you safe. You don’t need to be scared. It’s my job to protect you).
End with a comma, not
a period
Let your child know that you are always available to talk
about scary or difficult things, as often or infrequently as they want. Jen Cort stressed the importance of letting
children know “if you have more questions later, you can always ask me.”
Let children in
Adult grief and fear can be frightening to children,
especially if they’re kept at arm’s length in an effort to shield them. Fred Rogers advocated for incorporating
children into whatever response the family has to alarming events or
misfortune, be it prayer, protest, mourning or play. During a primetime special after the
assassination of Robert F. Kennedy, Rogers urged parents, “The best thing in
the world is for your children to be included in your family ways of coping
with the problems that present themselves any time… but particularly now, in
this very difficult time in our nation.”
Below are additional resources for navigating difficult
conversations of various kinds with your children:
“Guide to Talking About Difficult News with Children”
American Psychological Association
“Tips for Talking with Children After a Disaster or Trauma”
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
“Teaching Young Children About Race”
Teaching for Change
Strategies for Discussing Race with Children
Raising Race Conscious Children
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